A Birthday in the Akatsuki: Take Two!
by straightjacket.707
Summary: When a slightly hommicidal fangirl's 15th birthday comes up, what are a group of S-Ranked Criminals and three freeloaders to do? Throw a part that ends up resembling a warzone, you say? Rated Teen because Hidan hasn't had his vocal chords removed... yet.
1. Chapter 1

Ok, so, today is my (self-proclaimed) little sister's birthday! YAYZ~! Well, anyways, I wanted to do something fun for her birthday, so why not let her spend it with everyone's favorite organization of S-Class Criminals? Jessica is our blue and fuzzy Sempai, William "Squeers" is her little brother, Molly is my Imooto-chan, and Charlie is yours truly! Enjoy!

Molly, Jessica, William/Squeers, and Charlie: © me

Everyone else: ©The person who came up with Naruto whose name I am currently blanking upon

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><p>Chapter 1: Early Morning Mishaps<p>

The sound of someone screaming colorful oaths at the top of their lungs, bare feet stampeding down the hallway, and a large _something_ crashing into itty-bitty pieces shook Molly from her dreams of chocolate, yaoi, and Hello Kitty. Her eyes flew open as a loud explosion detonated right outside of her room, blowing the door off of its hinges. More screaming followed, as well as thunderous footfalls that then proceeded to travel down the hallway at lightning speed, away from the sleeping fangirl. Er, make that _previously sleeping _fangirl. She sighed, debating whether or not she should simply close her eyes and fall back to sleep, or inspect the newest damage to her shared room with her friends Jessica and Charlie. '_It will only get fucked up later…'_ she reminded herself. But, seeing as she didn't want to wake up to Tobi hugging her like last week (he somehow managed to pick the deadlock she installed), Molly rolled to her side, pixie-cut of tightly packed curls now resembling an afro, and deep bags under her eyes. She spied the alarm clock beside her bed; '_8:00 am. They let me sleep in this time.'_ Yawning widely once more, she drew back the covers and slid into a pair of black kitty slippers, and grabbed a shirt to pull on over her…_sparse_ sleepware. Looking down at the charred door, she pinched the bridge of her nose between her thumb and forefinger, sleepily walking (more stumbling than anything) out into the havoc-ridden hallway. The scene she was met with made her raise an eyebrow:

A shrieking Deidara was cringing behind an equally terrified Hidan, as Charlie hollered expletives that would make a person's hair curl at them whilst swinging a metal pipe at them, her face contorted into a mask of rage. Behind the anger-managment-class-needing teenager, an exasperated Jessica wailed at her to 'calm down and take three deep breaths!' The blue-clad girl then had to duck as a shuriken and clay bird nearly missed her head (they were originally aimed at the small pyro).

Blinking somberly, Molly slowly dragged her feet towards the fight, eye twitching spastically. Creeping up behind Charlie, she snatched the pipe from her hands and clamped a hand across her mouth. Charlie froze instantly, her focus shifting from beating the two assholes in front of her to a majorly pissed fourteen year old behind her. She mumbled something through Molly's hand, earning a raised eyebrow from the girl. Removing her hand, she asked, "Now, _honey_, why are you trying to Kill Deidara and Hidan?"

Noting the sickly sweet tone, Charlie gulped. '_Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, SHIT! We woke her up…!'_ Shivering slightly, still frozen to the spot, she mumbled, "W-well, ya sees… er…" as the memory of what had just transpired came back to her, anger once again leaped in her stomach, face flushing with fury, "THESE TWO ASSHOLES STOLE MY MARIO CART, DELETED ALL OF MY RECORDS, _LOST_ THE FUCKING THING, AND BROKE MY LUCKY CONTROLLER!"

Turning her head slowly to look at her Sempai, Jessica nodded, confirming Charlie's story. Next, she looked at the two cowering Akatsuki members, whose shivering increased ten-fold as Molly's piercing glare turned to them. She was not, repeat, _**NOT**_, the person to fuck with in the morning. Hidan and Deidara looked at each other, debating whether or not to; A. lie, B. tell the truth, C. plead to the fifth amendment, or D. to try and make a break for it. Thirty seconds of contemplation later, Molly coughed, impatient for their answer. "W-well, we did _borrow_ it, but then Tobi wanted to play…" mumbled Hidan, surprisingly refraining from any of his normal profanities infront of the sleep-deprived, homicidal teenager.

"Y-yeah, un! It's his fault!" Deidara chimed in.

Growling, Molly turned back to Charlie, who, if possible, went even pale-er. "Get over it. If you must, just try to find it. And just duct tape the damn console together. Now shut up, _all of you_, and fix my door. I'm going back to bed—and if one of you wakes me up within the next three hours, I will bury you alive under Charlie's third of the room." And with that, she stormed away, eyes beginning to close. No one moved for the better part of five minutes until they were sure she was asleep, and then exploded into a violent half-screaming match (the 'half' part being that the threat of being buried under plushies, candy wrappers, moldy pizza, animated-socks, and clothing that hadn't been washed for the better part of three months terrified them more than death).

"You jackasses!" Charlie hissed, grip on the metal pipe tightening until her knuckles were white as bone, "Was it entirely necessary to blow up the door ta' me, Jessica's, and her's room?"

"Well, _sorry_, un! I was aiming at you, but I had to duck that damned pipe of yours!" spat the other blond, hand slowly creeping towards his pocket in case of annother pipe-attack.

Jessica intervened before Hidan, who had started to open his mouth, could shatter glass with annother overly-crude remark. "Be quiet, you idiots! I swear, just having to _live under the same roof as you _lowers my IQ!" She then turned around on her heel, and traipsed down the hallway back towards the now door-less room to catch up on her reading. She had just found a stack of old Arthur Conan Doyle's work buried deep within Charlie's mess and had been meaning to read them for some time. The left-over trio watched her back as it slowly gained distance from them and duck into the room, when she appeared again. "Whoever blew down the door—at the very least, just prop it back up. I don't want to be forced to listen to the constant bickering of you imbeciles whilst I read." Knowing Deidara probably couldn't lift the door (it was ladened down with poster, postcards, a dart board, and random decorations, which probably equaled to about 50 pounds), Charlie stalked forward and effortlessly grabbed the thing by the handle and replaced the wooden slab in the doorway.

With that done, she spun around to glare at Deidara and Hidan who were trying to sneak away. Tapping the pipe against the palm of her opposite hand, she growled, "Now, _where_ are my video games?"

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><p>Ok, so this is my first story on Fanfiction, so any and all commentsfeedback would be appreciated! X3


	2. Chapter 2

Ok, so here's chapter two!~ Wow, I'm surprised I finally got off of my lazy ass and updated... Well, anyways, I think that I have the majority of the next few chapters planned out, all I have to do is write 'em!

Molly, Jessica, William/Squeers, Charlie belong to me

Everyone else... aw crap, I still can't remember his name! GAH!

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><p>Chapter 2: Noon Nonsense<p>

Molly yawned widely, smiling to herself as she stretched her long arms above her head, finally fully rested. Her head turned to look at the alarm clock once again. '_11:42 am'. _Wide awake now, she smiled and jumped out of bed. She turned around to her closet door, which she threw open and stepped into it, instantly engrossed in the land of hangers and linen (or, in her closet's case, leather and spandex). After a few seconds of contemplation, she snatched a tight turtle neck that came down to just above her navel, and a short skirt that went to the middle of her thighs. Grabbing a dark red towel and her hair care products (enough to probably supply a small convenience store), she happily walked towards the large bathroom she, her two female companions, and Konan shared.

An hour-long shower later, she practically skipped out of the bathroom, smiling happily to herself, humming _Waiting On The End_ by Linkin Park under her breath. After neatly tucking away her beauty products, she checked her appearance in the mirror. Winking back at it flirtatiously, she was about to walk out of the door when her yaoi calendar caught her eye. _March 31__st__…_ The realization of the date made her heart sink slightly, '_Five days, till…'_

Pushing the thought from her mind, her bright mood returned and she skipped out of the door, propelled by her growling stomach. She hoped that lunch would be ready by now…

As she descended the stairs, she was greeted with (as usual) a torrent of shouts and swearing, as well as a large glop of spaghetti in tomato sauce that exploded onto the wall beside her head, speckling her cheek with pulverized tomatoes. Her good mood evaporated on the spot. In front of her eyes, she saw that lunch (or a substance that was supposedly labeled as lunch) was indeed being made, but the kitchen had been turned into a war-zone in the process. At the stove, pots were boiling over with foam as voracious flames licked their sides, one pot entirely encased by them. Next to them, Kakuzu frantically tried to stifle the fire to no avail, seeing as the knob that would be used to control them had snapped off and was now being used as ammo in Charlie's slingshot. Beside that, Sasori rapidly waved his right arm frantically, attempting to put out the flames that had crept onto him. The fridge door had been flung open and was being used as a shield against food and appliances being thrown at Kisame who was taking cover behind it. The person who was doing the throwing was Hidan, at the moment holding a rather large cleaver. Sitting on top of the kitchen table were Tobi and Charlie, taking advantage of the current chaos to pillage the cookie jar. They both had crumbs and smears of chocolate over their hands and face/mask. Underneath the table, someone had taken it upon themselves to bind and gag Deidara, stuffing him there unceremoniously (it was probably Charlie or Itachi's doing). He had a fistful of unwashed socks stuffed into his mouth, and a jump rope that served as handcuffs. Near the toaster, a screeching Jessica was beating the metal appliance with a book, a vein pulsing in her forehead, hair sticking out in all directions as if she had thrust her hand into a fuse box. Konan was beating Pein with a bag of flour which by now was spread out across the floor, coating the floor (as well as the self-proclaimed 'god') in a ghostly powder. Itachi was stabbing a cook book with a kunai, and Zetsu was happily munching on the arm of a random corpse found in the second floor hallway. '_I should be used to this by now…'_ Slowly picking up the forgotten fire extinguisher, she walked (almost regretfully) towards the flaming stove and the soon-to-be-charcoal Sasori. After putting out Sasori's arm, she thrust the fire extinguisher at him, leaving the ball of fire that used to be an appliance in his care. Turning around, she picked up a spatula and, weighing it quickly, flung it at Hidan, burying the head of it deep into the side of his head. He froze, eyes widening in shock, then fell over, twitching slightly. Kisame, who had just nearly been impaled by a cleaver, shakily nodded to Molly in thanks. Next up were the two kindergarteners to deal with. Stomping over to the table, she snatched the jar of cookies away from Tobi and Charlie, earning watery puppy-eyes in response. She then proceeded to stash them on the highest shelf, away from short pyrotechnical maniacs, and snapped a lock on the handles, to ward off any overly-tall five-year olds (the lock typically was used on the cabinet that held the alcohol and such, but two idiots on a sugar-high was far more frightening than a drunk Jashinist). Peeking under the table, she was greeted with a muffled plea for help from Deidara. Blinking, she stood back up, walking away from the blonde terrorist. After that, she made her way to Jessica, who by now was screeching lewdly at the toaster. Molly jabbed the bright red button on the side, and immediately, two burned black pieces of bread popped up. Before the brunette could say anything, the fangirl walked away, pausing at the spectacle of Pein being beaten to death with a bag of flour. Shrugging, she turned from that as well, heading off to stop Itachi from permanently mangling the recipe for apple tarts.

About five minutes later, Molly had managed to calm down the inhabitants of the kitchen, and had then ordered for everyone to begin cleaning and repairing the kitchen (she was acting as temporary leader while Pein regained consciousness from excess-flour-inhalation). With much grumbling, and the over-hanging threat of her extensive yaoi collection in mind, the Akatsuki and two freeloaders set to work under Molly's watchful eye.


End file.
